Bad Christmas Song List (Authored by "Fien Beat" guest contributor Jill Bailey, Scott's comments at asteriks)

Well, it’s that time of year again – Christmas! And that means its time to hear a billion different, bad renditions of Jingle Bells and Winter Wonderland and all those equally bad songs in between. This year I’ve been inspired to create a list of those songs destined to make just about any listener cringe, wail in pain, and burst their eardrums, whatever, to overcome the ensuing pain.

Here they are, in no particular order:

“My Favorite Things” – Barbara Streisand *

Most Christmas songs make you want to sing and dance with Christmas joy. This one makes you want to jump off a bridge and plunge to your death. Are raindrops on roses really some of Barabara Streisand’s favorite things? And isn’t she Jewish? Anything for a buck.

Any Christmas song by Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Christina Aguilera, Kenny G.

Self-explanatory. One of the downfalls of the holidays is having to hear artists that have otherwise fallen off the face of the earth haunt the radio waves with really bad versions of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. Michael Bolton, this means you. How’s your mullet?

“The Christmas Shoes” -  Newsong**

 I’ll probably burn in hell for this one. This song has more cheese in it than a Velveeta 3-cheese casserole. Some kid wants to buy his dying mom a pair of shoes in case she goes to Heaven and meets Jesus. I don’t know where this kid got his Bible from,  but mine doesn’t state that we needed to have a pair of snazzy shoes to be allowed to pass through the pearly gates.  “Those who have been born again of wine and spirit and have a new, classy pair of shoes shall see the Kingdom of Heaven”. Well, I hope the kid had good taste. I’d hate for him to be haunted by his cold mom because he bought her a pair of Sketchers or something that wasn’t worthy.

 “Hey,Billy! Thanks for the stilletos. I’ll hide under your bed and grab your ankles if you dare try to get out. BOOOOO!!!!”

“Baby, it’s Cold Outside” – Barry Manilow and some unidentified and unfamous woman.

The beginning of this song starts out with an innocent-sounding bass softly thumping a medley. After hearing this horrible song a few times, one will get to associate the bass with the song and will walk over hot coals to change the station on the second note. Barry’s and S.U.A.U.W’s voice is as annoying as an Old Navy commercial.

“Jingle Bells” – Barbara Streisand ***

In this particular Jingle Bell rendition, Babs had about four 6-packs of Red Bull and decided to sing the song as fast as she could. Under these circumstances, one would think the song would last only a few short seconds. Even if this song were only 10 seconds long it would still inflict pain. Not to imply that this song contains some not-so-annoying parts, but the worst is when the clamour and noise stop so Babs can question “Upzot?”. Yeah Barbara, look up your career in the dictionary. That should help.

* Do I have to mention that this isn’t a Christmas song, Babs? Please watch “The Sound of Music” and notice this song has nothing to do with the Yuletide.      ~ Scott

** Revolting is the idea that someone would actually sit down, pen and paper in hand, with this thought process: “Hmmm. How can I tap into the veritable ATM that is the soft-rock/soccer mom market? I know! I’ll write a really sappy, exploitive Christmas song that, on the surface, seems really touching and genuine!” UGH! There are SO many things wrong with this song:

• Why did Billy wait so long to get to the shoe store? If Mommy’s going to meet Jesus tonight, I’m thinking her illness was probably the kind that has lingered. And he’s only NOW going out to buy her something? Not to mention he doesn’t have enough money and some poor dude behind him in line actually buys the shoes
• Don’t most coffins only show the upper half of the body? If no one’s going to see the shoes, what’s the point? I think Billy could have made a wiser purchase.
• Was Mommy that shallow in life that in death she’d expect her son to stand in line during the busy Christmas season to buy her a gift, instead of spending the precious final moments of her life with her at the bedside?
• We’ll forgive Rob Lowe for starring in the TV movie, as he was just trying to get a paycheck post-West Wing
• But the chain of capitalistic greed that flowed as a result of this song is truly unforgivable – someone heard the song and actually wrote an entire BOOK based on it, which someone then used as the basis for the TV movie. I would have taken it one step further and actually marketed the shoes and sold them at Media Play or Spencer Gifts. You’d open the package and they’d have a slight lingering stench of death about them.                         ~ Scott

*** Do you know why Andy Williams sings this song? So Barbra Streisand doesn’t have to.    ~ Scott

2006 Bad Christmas Song List

This list doesn't cancel out the original Bad Christmas Song list. This is more or less an addendum. I was inspired by spending an afternoon listening to 101.3 all day. ~ Jill Bailey, guest "Fien Beat" contributor *(Scott adds his comments at the asteriks).

1.) "Let it Snow!" by Gloria Estefan / Miami Sound Machine – Nothing but Gloria and some cheap, cheesy keyboard. Reminds me of something I'd hear at the Bosdyk's lounge while clearing beer bottles off the ledge in the bar. Seriously, who hears this song and gets in the yuletide spirit? And they try to do a knock off of Count Basey by letting the world think the song is almost over…then some guy from nowhere says unenthusicastically "one more time." and so the Yamaha keyboard and Gloria keep the pain going for another 20 seconds. Come on, out of all the renditions of this song out there, why does this one make the cut? Another reason why playing 24 hours of Christmas music for over a month isn't the best idea.*

• *you’d think playing Xmas songs for so long would mean a wider array of songs would be played. But  NO – the same songs every day. And who knew the “sound machine” was actually a machine - a Casio more specifically!

2.) "Grown-up Christmas List" by Various Artists, each one being equally bad -  Although not quite as cheesy as Christmas Shoes, this one falls into the same "Let's make people feel depressed and guilty for enjoying the holidays" category. Nothing like hearing this one while trimming the tree, baking cookies or wrapping gifts. Should my grown-up Christmas list be filled with stuff like no more lives torn apart, that Mom would never fart, wars will end, everyone will have a friend? These things aren't on my Christmas list. Guess I'll be heading for Spain…*

• *whatever – like the people singing this wouldn’t be disappointed if they didn’t get a real present for Christmas. “Oh. World peace. That’s nice – but I really did want that bracelet.”

p.s. Remember that song "Dear Mr. Jesus" from back in the '80's? It was so depressing that people complained about it and they took it off the air. So why, 20 years later, are similar types of songs resurfacing and are POPULAR???? If this one does resurface, I will forever ban radio Christmas tunes. *

• I blame people like Pat Robertson and their flock over on the Christian right. “Let’s not forget the true spirit of the season.”
• ADDENDUM – Okay, just looked up the lyrics to “DMJ.” Forget my comment about the true spirit of the season. This is a Christmas song as much as “Luca” by Suzanne Vega is a Christmas song. “Well, its got Jesus in the title. It must be Christmas!” DUH!!!

3.) "Christmas Through Your Eyes" by – you guessed it – Gloria Estefan/Miami Sound Machine.

OK – this song by itself isn't that horribly bad. Certainly there are MUCH worse ditties out there. But the thing I hate the most about this song is what some hot-shot DJ at 101.3 has done to it. Let's infuse a bunch of kid's telling people what they think of Christmas in with this song so the minivan-driving soccer mom's can weep their eyes out on their way to Starbucks. Now, why is this a good idea? I hope I never figure it out.*

*the sad part about the “remix” is that it probably wasn’t done by a local DJ, in fact very little about commercial radio is “local” anymore. No DJ picks the music anymore, no DJ actually plays requests. Everything is computerized including the station’s playlist. Some corporate pinhead programs a company’s slate of 100 stations from NYC. “Warm 101.3” in Rochester is the same as “Warm 98.5” in Tulsa and “Warm 92.9” in Phoenix. Anyhow, yes, this song sux. As do all songs “remixed” with real people’s voices, newscasts, etc. Remember all the “Auld Lang Syne” songs “remixed” using clips from newscasts they played around the millennium. I blame Kenny Guh.